Defensiveness Quiz

April 13, 2021

1 min read

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Arturo & Tracy Paulino
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Arturo and Tracy Paulino in addition to being married since 2001 and being the proud parents of five daughters, they are a therapist/coach team from Spanish River Counseling and Gottman Institute trained professionals.
Tracy is a Level III Gottman therapist, trained ACT, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, and Certified Master’s Level Addiction Professional.
Arturo is a trained Gottman Seven Principles Program Leader, Professional Life Coach, Certified Recovery Support Specialist, holds a MA in Global Leadership, currently enrolled as a Marriage & Family Therapy doctoral student, international published photographer, and an Enneagram aficionado.

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	Yes	No
	Yes	No
1. When my spouse complained, I felt unfairly picked on.
2. I felt misunderstood.
3. I don’t feel that I get credit for all the positive things I do.
4. What went wrong was actually not that much my responsibility.
5. To avoid blame, I had to explain why and how the problem arose.
6. I felt unfairly attacked when my spouse was being negative.
7. When my spouse complained, I realized that I also had a set of complaints that needed to be heard.
8. My spouse’s negativity got too intense, too much, too out of proportion.
9. My spouse was too touch, got feelings hurt too easily.
10. There was some truth to my spouse’s complaints, but it was not the whole truth.
11. When my spouse complained, I thought, “I am innocent of these charges.”
12. When my spouse complained I felt that I had to “ward off” these attacks.
13. I felt obligated to deny the complaints against me that were inaccurate.
14. When I listened to my spouses complaints I thought of complaints of my own that weren’t getting attention.
15. My spouse’s views of the problem were too self-centered.
16. I thought, “What you say only bounces right off me.”
17. When my spouse complained I tried to think of ways to protect myself.
18. when my spouse complained I thought of a way to reexplain my position.
19. When my spouse complained I thought that if my position were really understood we wouldn’t have to have all these issues.
20. It seems that all my spouse can do is find fault with me.
21. Sometimes it feels like my spouse is coming at me with a baseball bat.
22. During a hot argument I keep thinking of ways to retaliate.

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Defensiveness Quiz

Try to recall your actual behavior, feelings and thoughts just after an argument. It is very important to be honest with yourself.

If you’ve checked “YES” for SEVEN OR MORE items, then you are probably a good candidate for being defensive.

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